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I Ate all the Cookies and Cream Ice Cream

November 10, 2017

There’s a REASON why you gained weight. Was it a family or friends death? Breakup? Car accident? Job Loss? Being bullied? What's your reason for gaining weight?

 

 Let me tell you my story… 

 

  Im going to take it WAY back… I grew up with 3 brothers. So, my Barbies went to  war, my playhouse was an army base, my lipgloss was food (No, seriously. One of my brothers and I ate an entire tube of cookies and cream chapstick) … all in all, I was a little girl in a house full of boys.

   Growing up I was VERY skinny, like abnormally skinny. The doctor advised my mom to give me ice cream to help me put on weight.  SO! I was always eating because I was ALWAYS hungry BUT never gained a pound. My brothers would get mad at me and accuse me of eating all the cookies and cream ice cream

 They would call me fat or fat ass. Looking back I know they were just joking and didn’t mean to hurt me- they were just being “boys”. But, at the time It really hurt. I stopped eating in front of them, I would take my food into my bedroom and eat upstairs away from everyone. There were times when my mom would catch me and ask me why wasn’t I eating. After a while I wouldn’t eat anything or I would eat and go throw up. Eventually, the disorder faded away and they stopped calling me fat. 

   I was pretty skinny most of my life, gained weight after high school because I started smoking weed and would get the munchies. Lost the weight because I became more active in my early 20s. Then, the Bad Girls Club happened and after that experience my outlet became food; even though I was being called fat on the show everyday, and hated it, I still continued to eat. Within one year of the show I gained about 30-40 lbs. Went from size 9/10 to 16/18. 

 

Fast forward, I ended up losing all that weight and managed to gain it ALL BACK after a car accident that almost killed me. 

 

 So,  my weight loss journey has been UP and DOWN.  This is  EXACTLY what happens to me… I do really really great for months and then all of a sudden I quit… and then go weeks without working out. Then, I’ll get back going and I’ll do it again. This has been going on since my journey started.  So, now my conscious mind has to think, WHY DO YOU DO THIS? and this is what I came up with. I turn to food for comfort because its always there. Happy? lets eat. Sad? lets eat. Mad? lets eat. Celebrating? lets eat. Well, for me… its all of that and then, lack of confidence. When someone called me fat, I believed them (even when I was super skinny) and stuffed my face. Or starved myself. 

 

Food  became my comfort zone. No matter what was happening, I was turning to food for everything.  If I got into a fight with someone, I went to food. The car accident turned into me ordering out everyday. It’s a cycle of my own that I developed.  I started recognizing this towards the end of last year… leading into 2017. I discovered that I was using food for comfort and within discovering that, I have been able to really focus in on the changes I need(ed) to make.  

   2017 has been the healthiest year for me yet. I have never been so balanced and clear about exactly what I want. All these years I was going after what I THOUGHT I WANTED and not what I actually wanted. I never cared about looking like these plastic chicks that flood social media… I just want to feel confident and to look great naked. 2017 for me, has been the year to teach me how to really achieve those goals. After moving to Florida in December 2016, living there for 4 months,  moving back home, starting a new career, then moving from the suburbs to downtown Chicago has completely taken a toll on my life. I went from working out daily, sometimes 2x/day to working out twice/week if I am lucky. I was working very long hours, driving 4 hours/day to and from work, barely had time to sleep. The old Alicia would’ve said “FUCK IT” I’m going to eat what I want because I can’t workout anyway. But, thats totally the wrong mindset to have and I noticed that this year. The NEW BALANCED Alicia now says, “Because I can’t workout, I’m going to eat as clean as possible.”

 

RIGHT? DOESN’T THAT SOUND GOOD? 

 

NO! Because to me, eating super clean EVERY SINGLE DAY is boring and I REALLY REALLY LOVE PIZZA. and PIZZA IS NOT CLEAN EATING! 

 

WHAT IS A GIRL TO DO!!!!!!!!! CHILL- FIRST OFF… AND SECOND, EAT PIZZA ON SUNDAY.

 

BALANCE- IS THE KEY WORD HERE. 

 

My point is… I didn’t want to gain weight! I lost so much weight since my car accident and I haven’t gained it back- I didn’t want to start gaining weight because other dreams were coming true…and I also didn’t want to give up on MY dream body. 

 

Ever since I changed my thinking, changed my views and changed the way I looked at this dream body journey… my body has been seriously shaping into exactly what I want. I believe this is happening because I am being so true and honest with myself and I am finally letting go of the past. I went the entire month of October without pizza! I made that decision because I felt like pushing myself to a different limit. It was so much fun wanting pizza and telling myself, “Nope not until Halloween… or nope not until Sunday” it gave me something to look forward to and when I finally had my pizza after one month long without it, it tasted better than ever.

 

So, wherever you are on your journey, congratulate yourself. Who cares if this is your 10th time starting again because the 9 times before this one made you stronger and taught you something. Who cares if today is day 2 and you already cheated, well now you just learned something about yourself- YOU HAVE TO STRENGTHEN YOUR MIND. You’re not THAT weak.. so don’t be a weak bitch. You’re stronger than that. Go 5 days without cheating and on the 6th day give yourself a reward. I know we aren’t dogs but when we are on a mission of weight-loss, FOOD IS A GREAT TREAT. lol

 

Take my journey and make it an example… it doesn’t matter how many times you fell, it doesn’t matter how many times you ate something you knew you weren’t supposed to, it doesn’t matter how many times you gained a pound instead of losing one- WHAT MATTERS MOST… AND I WILL SAY THIS OVER AND OVER AND OVER… WHAT MATTERS MOST IS NEVER EVER EVER GIVING UP. 

 

DO NOT QUIT. DO NOT GIVE UP ON YOUR DREAMS. STAND UP. DUST YOURSELF OFF. REFOCUS YOURSELF. WRITE DOWN YOUR GOALS. ELIMINATE THE NEGATIVES. AND BELIEVE MORE IN YOURSELF THAN EVER BEFORE. 

 

YOU ARE YOUR ONLY LIMIT. REMEMBER THAT. The past is gone forever, the people who made fun of you, made you stronger, the car accident you got into is over- you survived. It’s time to hit STOP on the record that keeps playing over and over and over in your mind, and hit PLAY to something new. YOU CAN DO IT. Now, it’s time for you to recognize what drives you to eat… forgive yourself for it, let it all go and start brand new today. When those thoughts of running to food start again… just say to yourself, “Not today…lets wait for Sunday.” 

 

you can do it!!!! 

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